Though it has only been 4 years, it seems like an eternity when it comes to grieving and allowing the forces of life to take hold of what I once called life. Many paths come into focus in my life, and if I haven't learned anything, life is trial and error. You have to be willing to make choices with all your heart whether those that surround you know what is best for you, and you have to know the boundaries as to what is healthy for your heart.
I know I have stumbled down many paths, and know this is only the beginning and only the surface to the grief that will over take the rest of my life. The only difference for me I feel is that I can allow myself to plummet, allow myself to fall down, and still know how to pick myself up, and stand with my chin up knowing that no matter what happened I can move through it..
Often times I hear of others whom seem to think you move "past" grief, when truly you learn to live through the pain, and the moments of joy that bless your life are moments you cherish no matter what the end is.
I think one of the most difficult and blessed thing for me is that so many look to me for strength, for answers, and for direction in their own lives. I struggle very hard with that knowing that I am human and there will be moments where I will seem less human. Dark moments when I am grabbing on to the one thing that makes me the happiest to get through to the next. But it makes sharing this and knowing I am strength for some, and knowing that sharing my experience has helped them to pull through whatever it is that is darkening their soul at this time that makes my heart fill with love. I suffered deep scars, and sometimes less "likable" moments, but by sharing I have helped someone else.
This all is something that I have learned to live through, and share when my heart is ready. It is not always when everyone else wants to know, but when I go through a moment of distance from others, or a moment when I need time to just dwell that those around me and those who truly care about me and my dreams and aspirations are so understanding of me and situation. Throughout this I have had to make selfish choices at points that put a wrench in my heart, but in the end of the situation, the answer prevailed to where everyone could see the light I saw the entire time.
When tragedy struck in my life I was handed a grieving pamphlet and basically told "Nothing will ever help this...". I begged to differ. I have God in my heart. I have a family of solid gold, and a friendship circle that not many have. I am bound and determined to let others know that because society believes your life is over when tragedy strikes, and that you will only spend the rest of your life grieving, they are wrong. I am only 27 years old, and if you think I am going to spend 3/4 of my life dwelling, being hateful, and not enjoying my life your wrong. My daughter is well taken care of, in a place where hurt does not exist now, and the last thing I want her to see is her mother wasting away her life, spiraling into constant depression, anger, and hatred. I want her to look down and see triumph through tragedy, and that she will NEVER be forgotten by anyone.
Acceptance, of not ever being who you once were, and understanding you do not know who you are becoming is the first step to survival. Often times people assume you should never change and be who you have always been. With the death of a child that is humanly impossible. You have to stand up, put that chin up, grasp those things that mean the most, and walk forward through the unknown, through the fire, and start living life so you too can get the most out of it. Attacks will come. People will simply not like you for random reasons. Move past it. You have a mission in your life to LIVE not just dwell. Living life is not running yourself ragged, but smiling every chance you get. Telling those you love you love them every time you get the chance, and ensuring that not one beat is missed in your life because one life is already lost, but not yours.
So please, if you are in the midst of heartache, grief, depression and sadness, look who is standing next to you, open up to them, seek comfort, and know the sunshine will come, but you have to make the first step to healing. You are the only one who can create happyness.
<3
Rachel
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