Lately there has been so much going on, I wanted to take a moment, open my heart, and give some words to all of you, that will hopefully help you in your time of need.
There are so many times in just everyday life where we are threatened, hurt, kicked when we feel at our lowest, and only a few hands that help life us up, get back on our feet. This blog is going to tell you about that for me, and how I live with Shaken Baby Syndrome, and murder everyday.
Every single day I am in a constant battle with the demons inside my heart that are doing extreme exercises due to the anger that constantly sweeps my life because of the death of my daughter Madilyne. Every single day I get up, and I am faced with the fire thrown below my feet that I am forced to walk on because of personal and public attacks on me as a person. I never understood that even trying to do good in your life, there are attacks that come with that. I, as well as anyone else wanting to make a huge change, must learn how to block the stones, and walk through the fire.
When the letters of attack present themselves, the phone calls of hatred, and the constant way I should change what I should do in my personal life, as well as in my dreams, and the constant force of so many around me who do not believe in me I have learned that when I feel this time is coming close to me, to shut the door as a courteous behind those that don't believe in me, the ones that want to cause me and my family harm, and not read more than the first line of a letter of hate.
TV is no longer a pleasure for me. This is by choice, I know the numbers are growing everyday, I can not stop it, but I can stand firm in my shoes, and speak as loud as I possibly can, even when my voice breaks. You will hear me.. and all of the families, I can promise you that, so you might as well start listening now.
There are times as a grieving parent that you are attacked, you are taken for granted, the stones and fire are thrown at you, and I will say this to you. If you allow the negativity to prevail in your life, there will not be a brighter future for you. Do not continue to focus on the negative, that is not what your child wants. When someone tells you they know exactly how you feel, stop them, correct them, and move on. The stones, the fire, are all poison to you and your life, and you can choose to accept them. The choice in yours, once you give them back to those casting them upon you, your entire life can change.
There will never be an understanding in my heart, especially when families want to know how I deal, how I do what I do, and how I continue so positive. There is no understanding there is no answer other than determination and becoming numb to the fact that I have accepted that each day is another band aid ripped off my skin, and though the pain hurts, I become used to the fact that this is what my life is. So many look at the pictures of my life, and assume everything is whole, everything is in tact, and everything is perfect. To step into the shoes I have now, it took attempted suicides, severe drug use, alcohol abuse, domestic violence, and the self inflicted pain I subjected myself to dragging my nails up and down my face to remove the mask that hid the pain I was going through. All of that started in May 2006, and ended in August 2008. Ive never been the same person since, because the pain hurts but instead of putting on the mask, and hiding the pain I wanted to wear it on my sleeve, share my heartbreak, and save someone else the pain that is self inflicted because enough of the stones and fire came from someone else.
I've took a stand, through all the destruction my life has witnessed, all the friends lost, and the family that has distanced simply because they did not know what to say, or wanted to "move on". I stood with very few during that time because I knew you do not move on or move past when murder sweeps your life, you learn how to live with the scars, you learn how to live with the constant band aid removal, and the unraveling of the bandages that you kept on as protection.
I can guarantee to all of you that someone will come into your life at some point, reopen your heart, help you feel again, allow you to show your tears, and comfort your fears. Just hold true to the faith that there is sunshine behind those storm clouds, and you too will pull through this. Allow time to heal your heart, it is all you have at this moment...
This Network was something I needed to save my life in my time when I had a suitcase in one hand and car keys, and my cellphone in the other. I made one phone call, that saved my life. You know who you are, and I owe you my life. So allow us to comfort you in your time of need. We are real people with real fear, real anger, and have lived through real destruction. This isn't a show you paid for or a professional, we did not have stable shoes then and want to help your shoes hold up somewhat better than ours did when we had to walk the path.
I will leave you with this. Hold on to your dreams, hold on to your heart it is the best leader of all. Detract the judgement and hurtful things projected towards you, move through the fire in your fire suit, walk with your chin up, shoulders back, and grab a shield to block the stones because it is bound to happen, but when you need my hand, reach for it, because I will always be here for you... all of you.. don't be afraid.. I'm here..
Love you very much
Mother to Madilyne Wentz - Shaken to death age 10 months.