Shining Some Light

Once I was able to accomplish everyday common activities it was time to take bigger steps toward healing and growing as a person. I did not want to allow what happened to my daughter define who I was. I refused to hear “there is that lady whose husband murdered their baby.” I wanted to hear something more on the lines. “Look what she has been through and look what she has turned it into.”

One of the things that I wanted to do was shine a light on a subject that many just rather ignore rather than face it. That following April I wanted to use Child Abuse Awareness Month as a way to open peoples’ eyes to what was taking place all around them. We were still in the beginning stages with the legal system and preparing for the murder trial so I needed to be extremely careful what I did. I was told that Shaken Baby Syndrome was an extremely touchy subject, and I knew that I could not do anything that got to into detail on that subject. The last thing I wanted to do was jeopardize anything with the trial. Once I was given the okay from the District Attorney’s Office I decided to do go ahead and do a Pinwheels for Prevention Project.

With the help of my family and a group of family friends we placed one Pinwheel for each of the 333 cases of child abuse reported in Las Animas County, Colorado in 2006. Each Pin Wheel had a story behind it. Some worse than others, but all of them represented Children that were subjected to Abuse in one form or another. They were placed on a busy bridge in town where many people could see. I grew up in this small town and I NEVER could have imagined that there were this many cases of abuse there. I wasn’t alone either. Many people didn’t realize how badly child abuse was affecting their community. It was a really big eye opener. The pin wheels remained up the entire month of April and were seen by many. IT was a success!

After doing that project I knew that it opened the eyes of many and touched people’s hearts as well. I knew that people would be much more willing to not look the other way and pretend like child abuse wasn’t happening around them. I walked away from the project with a band aid over my pain. Some where deep down it seemed to make things a little bit easier knowing that I was helping another child from ever feeling the pain, another family from going through this, or another potential situation from being ignored.

Shining a light put my emotions, my feelings, and a piece of my heart all out on the line… I shared my story and in doing so I helped others. It felt so awesome in the end to able to help others, but at the same time help myself. The best thing I ever did was take the chance at helping and making a difference.

-Mandy

Coping Mechanisms

-Coping mechanisms (Did you ever deal with alcoholism or drug abuse, or another form of harm you put yourself through shortly after?)

After my sons assault, I didn’t deal with any sort of substance abuses like drugs or alcohol. But boy do I love food. Im not sure how much weight I gained, Im know it was a lot during that time frame.

I had the support of my family and friends, and that got me thru. I am a very emotional and sensitive person, I get upset easily and am more of a “the glass is half empty” person. I wallowed in self pity and depression for some time. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to eat… then I wanted to eat everything. I didn’t want to leave the house, I just wanted to pull inward.

I had my son who had survived to take care of, so my focus was on him and being there for him, I guess that was a coping mechanism… I have to cope and function thru this, I have to. I am all he has.

I guess no matter what happens in our lives, we having some form of coping mechanism to get us thru.

-Tara

Baby Steps to Healing..

After the loss of my daughter there was absolutely no way I was going to be able to live in the same house that she was hurt in. I made one visit back to that place to grab a few things and that was the last time I was ever there. Fortunately, I was able to get on post housing almost immediately after deciding that I was not going to be able to live there anymore. I had an extremely supportive group of people that I worked with. They did everything they could to make sure I was alright. I was given a lot of time to get my mind together and well enough to go back to work. Once I did return to work it was for only a few hours a day and some days as little as an hour just to get me back into the swing of it.

When I did return back to duty my family could not fathom me living 2 hours away from them and having no one there with me. My brother, who at the time was a senior in high school, decided that it only made sense for him to move away and be with me. (Josh ,I will forever be grateful for what you did for me… I know it wasn’t easy)

As I mentioned in a previous blog it took all the energy I had to get to work each day and when I did return home I didn’t want to leave my couch, not even to eat. I did go to the restroom though… My brother swears that if I had a bedside commode I would have NEVER left. I was awful. I was slipping into such a deep depression and it felt as though I was never going to get out of it…Here I was living in this hell hole with cinder block walls that the Army says is adequate housing, trying to just make it through each day. I had NO reason to keep moving on. Other than making sure that my ex husband never got to see another day of his life as a free man. The grief was over taking me in every aspect of my life.

My brother, who was and still is a social butterfly, begged me to just get up and get out of the house at least long enough to go to dinner. I finally decided that I would go. We went to dinner with a few of my friends from work. We knew it would be best if there were others there with us. It was actually nice to get out of there and just live a little bit. It wasn’t easy seeing all the happy little families, but I survived. As time went on, a couple of people I worked with would come over every day to either watch a movie with me or wash my clothes or just sit and cry with me. Going out to dinner started to become a regular event. Even during horrible snow storms… At that point there was a routine of people I could count on being there. They encouraged me and sometimes forced me to breathe in order to take little steps forward just in getting off the couch and out the door. I began to trust these few people. Trust… to this day isn’t something that comes easy for me, but that’s a blog for another day.

I gradually, with the support of these people and my brother, started to venture out a little bit more. Each new activity became a milestone. Going to the grocery store... going to the mall... going to get a pedicure… Every aspect of everything I did turned into a monumental occasion, bringing me hope and comfort that I would be able to survive this. I began looking forward to tackling each new adventure. This became my outlet from the grief. It wasn’t always easy, but it was worth it in the end.



When this horrible tragedy takes place our entire lives are turned upside down. Even little things that we sometimes take for granted, like going out to dinner, become such overwhelming things to do. We just assume not do them sometimes, but if we don’t face these challenges head on, we have allowed the pain and the hurt to become who we are. My little steps were facing all of these challenges with all the faith that God would get me through it... Pretty sure that none of them were easy. Then again, no one ever said they would be. They just said that it would be worth it~

-Mandy

Regrets? Normal?....Yes

So one of the topics we planned on doing was - Do you have regrets or is that a term that should be used for people with “normal” lives?

Shortly after my sons assault I did have a lot of regrets… I guess more guilt. Although I was not home when the assault(s) happen, my son was assaulted on at least two different occasions. He had an older hemorrhage in addition to the acute hemorrhage that almost ended his life. I was at work, there is nothing I could have done. I had no idea the horror he must have went thru. I never saw anything. I never had a clue. I was even impressed that he went to an optional parenting class just for fathers before Kyle was born.

Looking back, I see things now that I “should have” picked up on something as “not normal” Kyle cried a lot when he would hold him. He had never been around babies, and seemed to hold him awkward, and you know babies can sense feelings, like animals, the sense when you are feeling a certain way. I would reassure him and encourage him and then he would feel more comfortable. He would talk to him, play with him everything normal, just like everyone.

Another “should have” …there was one day I had come home and Kyle had been sick, he had been throwing up and not eating (drinking) that day. I came home from work and he projectile vomited. I immediately took him to the doctor, and the doctor told me that he had the flu. He’s the doctor, I figured he had the flu like the doctor said. Looking back now, it makes me wonder. Was he assaulted that day???? Why did I not see it???? And most horribly the regret that tugs at me, even 10 years later… Why wasn’t I there to protect him???? I would lay my life on the line for this little boy. Why????

I was in therapy for months dealing with all the feelings and challenges. It took me a long time to finally convince myself. It was not my fault. If I would have known, I would have taken care of him like he deserved.

I can write that even now, but in my heart I still don’t truly believe it. I will always regret and blame myself.

And days like today, the regret creeps back in. Kyle is a highly functioning survivor. Most people would see him and except for the huge scars on his head, would not know anything was different.

Every school year I have the challenge of a new teacher. I constantly fight with the school, I had lots of fights when we first got to this school. The “special education” teacher actually told our day care provider that there was nothing wrong with Kyle. I was just an overprotective mother and exaggerated things. And that Kyle was just spoiled. I was needless to say PISSED. Excuse me??? Let me tell you what we have been thru. Better yet… I organized a conference call with all of his teachers at the time and the principal ( who missed the call ) with the Neuro-Development Center Doctor from Mary Bridge Children’s Hospital. She has had to deal with schools a lot. She was blunt, honest and informed them that this boy sustained a severe head injury and that he almost died from these injuries. He has issues, challenges and he does have brain damage.

So frustrating! So now its another school year. And although I'm sure there is a file with information at school, like last year, I bet the teacher doesn’t know much about Shaken Baby Syndrome (Abusive Head Trauma). So I will do like I do every year. Provide the new teacher with all the information about SBS and the particular challenges. He has been at school for 3 days. I usually give the teacher a few days and then WHAM here you go.
The doctors say that every year we will see more challenges as the gap between Kyle’s age and his neuro developmental age.

It is frustrating the challenges he has, the struggles he has, the social exile he faces from people. Kids can be very cruel, and he is so sensitive, his feelings get hurt so easy, and we talk about it and I reassure him.

“ Mom, I am so stupid, mom the kids make fun of me, mom I cant do it, mom I’m not like the other kids, mom I have no friends.”

“Mom, sometimes I just want to die”

“No honey you are not stupid, you are a very smart boy, we just has to try harder sometimes, everyone is different in their own way honey, and that is what makes us all special. Not everyone is alike, but we always treat people with respect and love. If someone is being mean to us, or says something mean to us, we move away from them and find someone nice to play with. Friends are like treasures, and its not about the number of friends you have, its having real friends that are nice that count honey and most important is that mommy would be lost without you, your family and true friends love you and need you. Life is very precious and we should always hold on to that”

Am I doing it right??? I don’t know. We do the best we can, and we work towards another day.

My "Normal" Life...

MY NORMAL LIFE …

It is amazing what has become "normal" to me. ...

Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetary for Christmas,Valentine's day, and Easter.


Normal is seeing that choclate Easter bunny sitting on the shelf in Wal-Mart trying not to cry when I realize that my baby girl will never get to experience that delightful taste of chocolate.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how I feel with people who have also lost a child.

Normal is feeling like I know how to act and am more comfortable with a funeral and being at the cemetery. Yet, feeling a stab of pain in my heart when I smell the flowers, see the casket, and all the crying people.

Normal is feeling like I can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming cause I just don't like to sit through church anymore. And yet feeling like I have more faith and belief in God than I ever have had before.

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when I realize my little girl is missing from all the important events in my families' life.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand 'what if's' and 'why didn't I's' go through my head constantly.

Normal is having the TV on the minute I wake up and the last thing on before I go to sleep at night, because I have the need for noise because the silence is deafening.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of my babies death as if it were an everyday common place activity and then gasping in horror at how awful it sounds.

And yet realizing it has become part of my normal.
Normal is trying to go out to the movies to get my mind off of what is now my normal and having to turn right back around and go home, because I realize that every movie has some sort of violence in it and I just don’t have the strength to deal with it.

Normal is being impatient with everybody, but someone who has be stricken with grief over the loss of their child.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother.
Normal is being too tired to care if I paid the bills, cleaned my house or did my laundry or if there is any food in my house.


And last of all normal is hiding all the things that have become normal for me to feel, so that everyone around me will think that I am "normal".

When I first read this, I felt as though I had written it about my life. It was a turning point for me. I realized I didn’t want the grief to become who I was. If any of you have ever felt this way, and I am certain many of you have experienced some of these feelings (if not all of them), I want you to know that it is “Normal”.



In my next blog, I will tell of the baby steps I had to take which were monumental in my healing process to not allow the grief to become who I am.

-Mandy

Smiling... Its not that easy...

Knowing the pain never seized to affect everyday life after the tragedy of Shaken Baby Syndrome took Madilyne’s life, it also affected other aspects as a single mother, whose only child’s life was horrifically ended. One of the many struggles and battles I deal with even today is just a simple smile…

The root of a smile is taken. The guilt comes to the surface of all the should’ve, would’ve, and could’ves. I never thought I could ever give a genuine smile… So many things run through your mind when you realize your mouth is smiling, and your insides are dying.. Its ripping your heart out, antagonizing you because your child has passed, and everyone wants you to move on, take a step forward, and yet you are stuck in this whirlwind wondering if the pain, the guilt, and the hurt felt in your heart will ever ease itself.

Having a belief of Heaven, God, and all things surrounded in it, you believe your child would not want you to falter in life, they would want you to smile, and be joyful.. But it’s the guilt you have for everything you could’ve done had you known that takes the smile away..

My thoughts on smiling were, my daughter is dead, in a BOX in the ground, and I’m here smiling… HOW AWFUL! Everything changed for me when I started attending Parents of Murdered Children.. I was able to speak with all of them concerning the grief and anger issues I was having. It is normal to feel this way, it is “normal” to learn to have to smile again and be joyful.. but it is a very long process and you have to be willing to work towards it…

I will never forget the day I stood in the bathroom at our home in Florida.. I stood looking into the mirror, stricken with anxiety of the months and days to come building up to April of that year.. I had just had acrylic finger nails put on at the local nail salon… and I just hated the pain, hated the anxiety, tired of all the feelings of being so hopeless and there was nothing, NOTHING, that could possibly begin to ease the pain.. I was tired of looking at the grieving mother in the mirror.. Tired of always wanting to yell and scream at all those I love, and tired and drained from all the worry and longing in my heart just to have 2 more minutes if not more with Madilyne..

I stood there emotionless in front of the mirror.. Took my acrylic nails and dug them as hard as I could into my face starting at my forehead, and dragging them to my chin as hard and as slow as I could.. I just hurt that bad.. This was a turning point for me because I knew my inside feelings and behavior was beginning to show on the outside.. The shock from the incident was subsiding and I had to figure out a way to deal with all of this turmoil…

Today, it is very hard to speak of these times.. the anger, the rage, and the fake smiles flashed to so many… But today my heart is joyful, knowing that just telling my story might, just might help someone else.. and that I am surrounded by so much love, so much faith, and so much hope that I too just might have some what of a life again, even if I am 26 and I felt my life ended when Madilyne died…
God is my healer. He reached out his hand for me, comforted me, and walked me through the storm with me.. and today I am able to push through my hardships to see the beauty given to me each and everyday as a gift. Push through, hold on, and if you fall, fall so you can get up bigger, and better, and stronger. Your NEVER alone in this…

-Rachel

Finding Friendship Through Hardship

When my son was assaulted 10 years ago, as many of you know, I had not really heard of Shaken Baby Syndrome. After hearing my son was assaulted and suffered from Shaken Baby Syndrome, then I remember hearing about Matty Eappean that had been shaken and murdered by the British nanny. I remember watching it on television and thinking how horrible, how vicious.

It never crossed my mind that the man I was married to would do such a thing. This was a very hard time for me. After my son was released from the hospital and we moved in with my parents, I was suffering horribly from depression and really wanted to talk to others that knew what I was going thru. But there was no one I knew that had been thru what we had. I looked around our area, but nothing. I talked with the District Attorney Victim Advocate , they referred me to some local domestic violence resources, but it just was not the same.

So I took my search to the internet. I was lucky to find a group of family members that had children that were victims. Both angels and survivors. It was a email support list, and it really was very helpful for me. I was able to talk with people that had been where I was, had lived thru this horrible crime, and those who suffered terribly with the loss of a child.
I reached out to family members, and they reached back. I cant say thank you enough to all the family members of SBS victims out there for providing support and lending an ear, and for helping others.

As we neared the trial, everyone was very supportive, and they all celebrated with me when there was a guilty verdict. For sentencing, many members of my extended SBS family actual wrote on behalf of Kyle to the Judge who was sentencing the child abuser. The stories that these families provided, the letters of support for an exceptional sentence, I believe were vital in getting an exceptional sentence for my sons abuser.

In the years since, I have continued to try and raise awareness like so many of you, and have tried to turn our sadness into some good for others.

Although I have not “met” in person most of the SBS family I have made, I do feel that they are my friends, they are my extended family. I love and value each one. I am so thankful for all of you. Thank you for sharing with me. Thank you for being happy for me that my son survived. Sometimes I feel so guilty that I am one of the lucky ones that not only has a survivor, but a highly functioning survivor. And so many families lost their babies, or have survivors who have many more challenges then we face. I will try not to feel guilty in the future, and I hope I never hurt anyone while talking about Kyle, his survival and the challenges we face. I am very thankful to still have him.

Thank you all for your support. I hope to be of support for others here. I look forward to making more friendships and to hopefully be able to go to the vigil this year to meet you all. I wasn’t able to attend last year, going to try my hardest for next year.

Thank you for the friendship we have, or yet to have as we travel this road together!