Knowing the pain never seized to affect everyday life after the tragedy of Shaken Baby Syndrome took Madilyne’s life, it also affected other aspects as a single mother, whose only child’s life was horrifically ended. One of the many struggles and battles I deal with even today is just a simple smile…
The root of a smile is taken. The guilt comes to the surface of all the should’ve, would’ve, and could’ves. I never thought I could ever give a genuine smile… So many things run through your mind when you realize your mouth is smiling, and your insides are dying.. Its ripping your heart out, antagonizing you because your child has passed, and everyone wants you to move on, take a step forward, and yet you are stuck in this whirlwind wondering if the pain, the guilt, and the hurt felt in your heart will ever ease itself.
Having a belief of Heaven, God, and all things surrounded in it, you believe your child would not want you to falter in life, they would want you to smile, and be joyful.. But it’s the guilt you have for everything you could’ve done had you known that takes the smile away..
My thoughts on smiling were, my daughter is dead, in a BOX in the ground, and I’m here smiling… HOW AWFUL! Everything changed for me when I started attending Parents of Murdered Children.. I was able to speak with all of them concerning the grief and anger issues I was having. It is normal to feel this way, it is “normal” to learn to have to smile again and be joyful.. but it is a very long process and you have to be willing to work towards it…
I will never forget the day I stood in the bathroom at our home in Florida.. I stood looking into the mirror, stricken with anxiety of the months and days to come building up to April of that year.. I had just had acrylic finger nails put on at the local nail salon… and I just hated the pain, hated the anxiety, tired of all the feelings of being so hopeless and there was nothing, NOTHING, that could possibly begin to ease the pain.. I was tired of looking at the grieving mother in the mirror.. Tired of always wanting to yell and scream at all those I love, and tired and drained from all the worry and longing in my heart just to have 2 more minutes if not more with Madilyne..
I stood there emotionless in front of the mirror.. Took my acrylic nails and dug them as hard as I could into my face starting at my forehead, and dragging them to my chin as hard and as slow as I could.. I just hurt that bad.. This was a turning point for me because I knew my inside feelings and behavior was beginning to show on the outside.. The shock from the incident was subsiding and I had to figure out a way to deal with all of this turmoil…
Today, it is very hard to speak of these times.. the anger, the rage, and the fake smiles flashed to so many… But today my heart is joyful, knowing that just telling my story might, just might help someone else.. and that I am surrounded by so much love, so much faith, and so much hope that I too just might have some what of a life again, even if I am 26 and I felt my life ended when Madilyne died…
God is my healer. He reached out his hand for me, comforted me, and walked me through the storm with me.. and today I am able to push through my hardships to see the beauty given to me each and everyday as a gift. Push through, hold on, and if you fall, fall so you can get up bigger, and better, and stronger. Your NEVER alone in this…
-Rachel
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